Week 4: Perfect on the Outside But Broken on the Inside

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Week 4: Perfect on the Outside But Broken on the Inside

"Wounds are openings by which we enter other people's hearts, and by which they enter ours" - Jocelyn Soriano 


"Andrea, you do things so flawlessly, you are the best"...

"You're an angel"...

"Professor, we're not like 'little miss perfect' like SHE is"...

"Little miss perfect"...


This is one label that I hide myself in every time I do something. Trying to be perfect in the sight of others. To get others to like me for the things I do and not who I am is still something I have struggled with for quite a while in my life. It is one of my many insecurities. I have hidden myself into this label for so long that I fell down the rabbit hole of striving to be perfect. 

Many people know me for my smile. I love and enjoy smiling. I have been doing so ever since I can remember. In fact, there are great benefits to it. For example, some studies have shown that smiling can prevent someone from getting wrinkles (I do not know if this true or not). Sometimes with a smile that I give, there is more to me than meets the eye. 


Sometimes when I smile, I am not myself. Sometimes when I smile, I am hurt and broken. I do this by putting a smile on my face. When I do this, I tell myself, "you have to look perfect in order to be perfect. So smile". I want it to stop! I hide my feelings from people through my smile because I am afraid of being rejected and judged by others.


I am afraid of others think of me and people rejecting me because I have been rejected more times than I can count on my hands. I am going to give a little backstory to my character so that I can add more depth to her. Episode 4 is about a young girl in her young elementary school years not quite understanding the reason she is different than her other classmates. She has to go into a separate class to learn. She is bullied because of the way she writes and does mathematics. Not only is the bullying coming from the students, it is coming from the one who is supposed to be teaching her. 

A couple of years later, she is choosing which high school she should go too. The high school she wanted to pursue was a school that too rejected her because of her difference of learning. On top of this, the teacher she most trusted with her school career told her that "she will never amend to anything; I will put into essential classes because that's all she's good for anyways". In case you were wondering who this girl is, she was me.  

That is the reason I strive for perfection because I have to work twice as hard than a typical person does. I know for myself I do not have to hide any longer behind this label because I am a daughter of God. That is where I should be resting. He knows my pain because He too has been through it. With Him, I am able to be vulnerable and seek out the support I need. With Him, He gives me strength to face the rejections that come my way. With Him, I can face tomorrow. 


He doesn't require me to be perfect, He tells me to come as I am. Broken. Hurting. Defeated. You name it. Being who I truly am is all that He desires for. Everything else which that He has planned for me will follow into the right in His Time. For He has made everything beautiful in His Time.    


This coming week (January 28, 2021 to be exact) is the annual Bell Let's Talk campaign to have conversations around mental health, how it impacts people and breaking the stigmas around the topic(s). IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. This is something that I am continuing to learn about myself. If something is not right, do not ignore it! 


Supporting others and taking care of your mental health is something that should always be in check, especially during these times. If you have any thoughts or questions regarding mental health or are acquiring services, here are some links: 

http://www.camh.ca/

https://toronto.cmha.ca/mental-health/find-help/

https://www.torontocentralhealthline.ca/listservices.aspx?id=10237

https://www.toronto.ca/home/covid-19/covid-19-protect-yourself-others/covid-19-mental-health-resources/ 

https://letstalk.bell.ca/en/


-Unpopular Andrea 🙏

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